Ma Granny

My granny is a special person; she loves me so she does

She takes me tae the swing park

And lets me play way all her dugs

She sometimes shouts at ma granda, but a know he disnae care

Because he just ignores her bawlin` and goes away up the stair
 

She buys me loads o' sweeties, new claes and fancy gear

She shows me aff to aw her pals, who nip ma jaws and clap ma hair

Some o them are smelly, Aye, and they hod their nose at me

They want to get a guff o' their selves, it's the boak they'd gie yie - trust me.
 

Wan day we went into the toon in ma new go-chair

She left me outside the Safeway and forgot that a wis there.

Some woman called the cruelty man to come and take me into care

But ma granny wisnae hayin ony it and blacked his eyes and pulled his hair.
 

And another day there wis just me and her in the hoose all too ourselves

And she fancied a drap o' Whisky for medicinal purposes yi ken

Well she saw that a wis girny and she gave me a couple of halves

A slept aw day and the next day too and ma maw thought a wis dead.
 

She likes to bet the horses, play bingo and have a wee fly smoke

She's known to sing and dance at times as well play the comb

But her greatest attribution is her gift to tell good jokes

Just don't ask her to repeat the wan she got sixty days for from the court.
 

The provi mans her best pal; he brings her loads o cheques

The rent man he's a bad man, he takes it in the neck

When he tries to collect the rent a job only for the brave

As ma granny double dares him to come near her hame again
 

She's really very cuddly and as warm as toast at night

When a stay wi her on Fridays her stories gie me fright

Cuddle in she says as we go to sleep hold on y`ill be alright

And then she farts and blows me oot, my God the smell of shi**.
 

Ah think she is ma best pal, well until ah go to school

Ah wonder if she'll come we me a can always find another stool

She can sit beside me in ma class and help me wi ma work

And God help any o they teachers who get in the way o' her
 

Ma Granny, Ma Granny, a better pal yi widn't want

She will gie yi the elastic from her knickers

Her last bit of bread as well

No matter whit a dae a cannae dae nae rang

For ma granny sees me as special

Her own wee pal
 

©William Kerr