Seniors Network

Deep Observations on Life

1. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in
   his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
   --Author Unknown
    

2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
   headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
   "Keep away from children."
   --Author Unknown
    

3. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
   group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
   --Drew Carey
    

4. "The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a
   desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
   it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
   --Jeff Foxworthy
    

5. "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
   infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
   considering if there is a man on base."
   --Dave Barry
    

6. "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
   treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
   they should give you two weeks' notice.There should be severance pay,
   the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
   --Bob Ettinger
    

7. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
   lake and threw her off the boat.I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to
   teach you how to swim.'"
   --Paula Poundstone
    

8. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
   skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
   --Conan O'Brien
    

9. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
   my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
   learner."
   --Lynda Montgomery
    

10. "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
    York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
    isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni
     

11. "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
    would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson
     

12. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez
     

13. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
    and that's the law."
    --Jerry Seinfeld
     

14. "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
    you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
    tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson
     

15. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
    --Oscar Wilde
     

16. "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
    Congress... But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain
     

17. "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
    least they can find Afghanistan."
    --A. Whitney Brown
     

18. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
    look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
    that!'"
    --Dave Barry
     

19. Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
    taken.
    Unknown, presumed deceased